Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Flirting in Starbucks

Last weekend got leng cai cashier at Starbucks flirting with Lau Niang lei. Sungguh tak sangka merk tetap cantik menawan walaupun muka sudah tembam macam char siu pau. So i still have some holiday weights; bite my chinese ass if you dun like then.

So this guy, he's a really cute malay guy standing behind the cashier counter. He has the beautifulest eyes that sparkles everytime you look into it and he keeps on flashing this smile that makes me blush all the time.

Anyways here's me scripting the scene again.

Abg Starbucks: Hello Sir...gooood morning. Can i have your order please?

Lau Niang: (Still groggy coz baru dipaksa bangun by stoopit sisters yang gila shopping pagi-pagi buta) .....can i have a caffe latte please?

Abg Starbucks: Very well sir. Would you like any flavour with it? Caramel? Vanilla? Anything for you?

Lau Niang: No...just a plain one will do.

Abg Starbucks: No problem...(starts punching in the cash register and keyeing in my order) How are you today sir? (he squints his beautiful eyes at me wondering if i'm ok or not....in which i'm not!)

Lau Niang: I uhh.....definitely need my coffee 1st. Now.....*weak laugh*

Abg Starbucks: Ha ha ha....it's on the way. So are you local? *Insert killer smile*

Lau Niang: Umm yeah.....i'm local but i work in KL.

Abg Starbucks: Ahh....back for the holidays eh? Having a good time?

Lau Niang: Welll...i'm just catching on my sleep and shopping around...buying coffee. Ha ha ha!

Abg Starbucks: Well your coffee is ready sir. Would you like an extra shot with it? On the house *insert smiley face and twinkling eyes* (ohmigod...basah panties i okeh)

Lau Niang: That's really nice of you...but its ok....(can i have an extra shot of you instead) i'll be just fine.

Abg Starbucks: *Passes cup of coffee to me and looking curiously between me and my sister* Just curious....are you two together?

Lau Niang: Well.....she's my sister if that's what you mean. (Yes i'm very available so just fucking write your number on my coffee cup oledi!)

Abg Starbucks: Oh of course....ha ha ha haha! Here's your coffee and have a nice day sir. Do come again soon!

Lau Niang: Thank you so much....i'll see you around sometime *grins*

Grin returned.

Five minutes after i left Starbucks....

Lau Niang: Kanine cau cibai......i ordered the wrong coffee. I wanted iced latte! So hot how to drink?!?!

But never mind. Merk rela minum latte panas. That was the nicest latte panas i ever drank. Sedap walaupun panas. Did i mentioned how hot it was? Saya alah panas.

But it was well worth the wrong order....

PS: Dun you fucking dare ask me which outlet it was and what is the Abg Starbucks name. You think you can go and menyundal wif him hor. Fat hopes. Abg Starbucks is merk punyer....sapa nak mari merasa my golden nails dulu. Pastu i baptize with latte panas.

Monday, August 25, 2008

If Bibik Nyonya Was A Black Woman....

So i posted some u-toobs without writing a proper post. What....you think i'm lazy?! Why you judging me? Cozzz i'm blllaaaacck?!?!

Wrrr I do??! Wrr..wrr..wrrr I do??! Wrrrr I do??! Wrrr...wrrr..Wrrr I do?!?!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

My Happy Family Portrait

Following on with the conversation between me and the unfortunate engineer whom i love driving up the wall so much....we had another episode only yesterday. So yesterday...we ended having up having me raving on my fetish for Lucy Liu again.

Me: I tell you a secret. My twin sister is actually Lucy Liu.

Chatter: *rolls eyes* What is it with you and Lucy Liu?!

Me: Oh we have the same eyes you know! Very exotic almond shape one. If wear eye shadow meletops kau. And we're both international actress also. Only that i'm better a bit. But i low profile mah...so she more femes a bit lor.

Chatter: *faints* Wh...why Lucy Liu???! There are plenty of other famous chinese actress also what. What about Gong Li? She's famous what.

Me: Not as femes as Lucy Liu lor.

Chatter: Eh she's huge in Europe okeh.

Me: Lucy Liu is huge EVERYWHERE. And she happens to be one of the best dressed celebrity in Hollywood, on par with dames like Cathrine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman you know. And she's chinese! Doesn't that make you feel proud a bit?

Chatter: Gong Li is chinese also what.

Me: Ya i like her also. Lucy Liu is my twin sister and Gong Li is our secret biological mother. That's why we so exotic.

Chatter: Arrrrgghhh!!!!! Why did i bring this up in the 1st place.....what was i thinking!

Me: Oh...and that Zhang Ziyi is the slut who stole Ken Watanabe away from me.

Chatter: Oh my god......what sin have i commited to deserve a friend like you.....ahhh!!!!! I'm getting a headache now!

Me: oh oh oh! I have another distant cousin who can help you also! She's not as pretty as me and Lucy Liu coz she's actually from Korea. But she's a very good doctor...can cure your headache.

Chatter: ?!?!?!?!!!

Me: Sandra Oh.

Chatter: Arrrrggghh!!!!! You know what i really better take a moment away from you before i smash the computer monitor.

Me: Ok lah ok lah dowan disturb you anymore lah. I dun wan to be responsible for your premature insanity wait. Very serious now okeh. I tell you bout my real family. I have an aunty from Ipoh.

Chatter: Finally! Ok...an aunty from Ipoh. So what about her? What's so good (or bad) about her?

Me: ...........Michelle Yeoh. Toooott. (cepat cepat offline)

Friday, August 1, 2008

How to Use an Autoclave

Wah suddenly Lau Niang so crever so intelectual ada hati want to teach everyone how to use an autoclave. Do you even know what an autoclave is?! What in gay hell is an autoclave? I learned this fancy word while chatting with a fellow engineer chatter whom i love driving him up the wall.

So today he was asking me what is this autoclave because he very admire my terror terror Engrish lor. He think i know everything mah. And yes...i DO know everything.

Chatter: Would you know what is an autoclave?

Bibik: Sure sure!!! So easy. An aotoclave.....is a clave that functions on its own lor. That's why we call it auto. Can you say auto? A-U-T-O....

Chatter: Go to hell lah you!

Bibik: Wahhh i can't believe you just said that. I did you a good favour out of my sincere heart and you condemn me to hell after that. So much for friendship.....

Chatter: ................you dun so drama can ah?

Bibik: Oh i am so hurt.......the pain.......

Chatter: I found out already. An autoclave is a pressurized device designed to heat aqueous solutions above their boiling point at normal atmospheric pressure to achieve sterilization. Sort of like a pressure cooker.

Bibik: .......oh that's nice. What else can it cook?

Chatter: ..........no it doesn't cook. Its an industrial device.

Bibik: Ceh......then buy for what. Cannot cook anything also. So lau yah one....

Chatter: *faints* Its not for cooking. Its for sterilizing purposes! Autoclaves are widely used in microbiology, medicine, sterilizing instruments for body piercing, veterinary science, dentistry, podiatry and metallurgy. The large carbon-fiber composite parts for the Boeing 787, such as wing and fuselage parts, are cured in large autoclaves.

Bibik: So this new job you wanna apply.....is just to on autoclaves only lah?

Chatter: Dunno yet lah

Bibik: you need to actually hire a person just to do that only meh? I thougth its like microwave you just put the tool in the press on button lor no meh. They're all the same only mah all this wave wave machines.

Chatter: *faints* need to do more than that lah!

Bibik: I know i know! Maybe you'll have TEN autoclaves to manage. Then people would call you "the autoclaver" hor.

Chatter: .....................

Bibik: then when you successfully autoclaved things for them oledi, they would say " Wah tq tq.....so claver lah you!"

Chatter: Different tune......cannot discuss anymore.

Bibik: ha ha ha hahhaah!! you know me lah, i is actress glamer, if i dunno anything i ma write my own script lor. Wait ah this is so fun i wanna blog it! Babai!

Chatter: but......

Bibik: [tooot...terus offline]

Friday, July 18, 2008

Le Queen Bitch's finally updated

Hello uols

After a very very long wait, http://lequeenbitch.blogspot.com is finally updated.

Go laugh yourself to death. And lemme inherit all your fortunes. I'm worth it.

I still have some limited invites left. New readers who are curious can still mail me at bibiknyonya@gmail.com and request for an invite.

Happy weekend you alls! Muah muah....

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Slept With My Best Friend's Man

Donch you fucking dare judge me. I did it for a super selfless noble cause okeh. And i only slept with him....figuratively. Not literally okeh. Come closer to the monitor and start looking like a fool. I want to tell you a secret. Secretnya ialah....Perky is a skanky ho. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!! You dinch hear this from me okeh....Shh! Shh!

Ya....she really is. You see, she keeps guy(s) in her home for business(?), pleasure(?), a pet(?)...i'll never know.

Anyways, what happens if daddy drops by for a surprise visit? Where do you chuck your guy(s)? Why......in your girlfriend's home right upstairs only of course! How convenient.

Yes people....for the love of a sistah i have to share my porn-scaterred-everywhere, pink-feather-boa-on-the-loose rainbow gay home with a straight man. I have to go to bed knowing there's a straight man next door. Do you know how trauma is that? Lau niang trauma okeh!

And this is no ordinary regular straight man i tell you. This...is the very same straight man who walked up into my car....and fucking threw a damn live prawn at me. MOVING LIVE ONES!!!! has anyone threw a live prawn at your face? Do you know what is it like?

Why would someone do such a holigible vegitable thing right?? Why?? Just because he's jealous of my power duet with Mama Diva. Dia macam Celine Dion duet ngan Whitney Houston okeh. And he's anti Ning Baizura. Mama Diva screamed his brown ass off; making pepople think there's a gang rape going on inside the car okeh. Meletops satu KL okeh....

So memorable hor.....

And so for the love of a best friend, I let him into my house with open arms. At night when i sleeping in bed, i have so many ideas to get back at him.

I thought of waiting him to fall asleep and then i'll paint his face like Barbie Fairytopia. With permanent ink. But I didn't.

I wanted to paint permanent unremovable pink nail polish on his toes and nails. But i didn't.

I wanted to dress him up with fish net stocking and pink feather boa and post the pics here and at malaysiakini. But i didn't.

Coz i'm a noble, selfless, forgiving, kind hearted good friend okeh. You'll never find another friend who would gladly let your guy to bunk in during emergencies...and secretly blogs about it....and demands a week of free dinner after that.

Matilah merk kena main pindah randah like nomad cari lubang gua to stay in. Perky's so gonna hunt my skinny ass down after this.

If you want to find me after this, my new address is inside Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup, tengah tengah hutan puaka atas puncak Gunung Everest di tengah tengah Mozambique. And i'll be guarding my new rock with Ogres, Rotweillers.......and prawns.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The One Weekend Where I Was Back in Hometown

"Wei you free this Sat not? Let's go watch a choir performance lah!"

".....I'm back in hometown..."

Bong; Friday

"Bapok malam ni nak pergi La Queen tak?"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

David Nenek Sundal; Friday

"Kor....Bring me to Bon Odori festival in KLPAC lah!"

"...I'm back in Hometown..."

Sis; Saturday

"You in KL now? Tomolo i bring you go Marketplace lah, my treat..."

"....I'm back in hometown...."

online-chatter-who-is-trying-to-woo-me; Saturday

"Come to my concert lah, i got free ticket for you!"

"....I'm back in hometown..."

Poporoot; Saturday

"Nyah....do photoshoot for me and Jules lah!"

"....I'm back in hometown...."

Perky; Sunday

And what was i fucking doing in hometown?

Kanine Cau Cibai